NOLLYBITE

Nollywood, oh nollywood! Is this industry so poor that it cannot afford some great filming equipment, or is it knowledgeable operators that they lack; Can this industry not afford the services of a creative and sound-minded sound engineer, or why do we hear congas in a car chase scene?

Why do we hear disturbing high-pitched sound of just paper being unfolded from maybe an envelope, when in reality this is nearly noiseless! Gosh! I’m dying to see an underwater scene from nollywood or some mind-blowing zoom out from a face to something city-wide! You know, things like this create excitement when you watch them.

I’m coming to the content. Let me just brush up on the technical side first. Nollywood movie producers, you make movies like they were meant for ages 3-5! Now, a movie is not a one-man project, It’s a teamwork. It takes different people coming together to make one; and when I see what is being churned out of nollywood, it begs the question: Is this industry a gathering of people of naturally low IQ or is it some secret desire of the people that call the shots in the industry for the Nigerian populace to dummy down<in Vector’s voice>.

Nigerians, I believe are intelligent people; why does Nollywood portray us otherwise. In just one movie: the lighting is whack, costuming is whack, the make-up is whack, and the sound editing is whack; subtitles from the Yoruba section sometimes make us run for shelter! and this happens in every movie. NO INTELLIGENT MIND WATCHES NOLLWOOD MOVIES, that’s a fact – go figure. I believe that movies should be a depiction of real events making them look as real as achievable.

Sometimes, I see the actors when being interviewed; they like to compare with Hollywood. It makes me laugh, some. Nigerian movies; real people, fake situations, fake events, and fake occurrences: magical police who appear when no one calls, humorous accident scenes, the actors either have no blood or have blood that belongs to those from other planets! The guns are friendly, they look like things from the Toy’s section of Shoprite, and those shot in the head still have time to say goodbye to their families before they die. Why? You open up a scene on an ailing man surrounded by loved ones and immediately, our nollywood instinct tells us that john doe would die in that scene.

We are never wrong!

And by the way, why do they all cough three times before dying, standard procedure?

Nollywood, this is an appeal to you. Try as much as possible to depict reality. I saw in a movie <names withheld> an explosion. And really, if that had happened where I was and I had my two-year old child beside that explosion, I wouldn’t worry! My baby would play with that fire – the fire reminded me of the one Moses saw, that fire did not destroy anything! Hollywood, that Nollywood compares with sometimes slow-motion some scenes; for instance, a bullet fired from a gun. It’s the most unnecessary thing in this life that gets slow-motioned in a Nollywood movie.

Nollywood, come, come, come, serious talk now. After all these that I have said, why don’t u peeps just shock and surprise me, and do a movie that shows a flight being hijacked! U geet? Wit all those suspense! Enh… ee ni fe ku!  
                                         Written by JOHN EYEMI